Confronting an alcoholic is never easy. It should never be attempted when the alcoholic is under the influence of alcohol, but must be planned when she is in her right mind. The decision to confront an alcoholic, sometimes called an intervention, must be carefully planned according to recommended expert guidelines, preferably those issued by a knowledgeable organization like Al-Anon, the support group for family members of alcoholics. Before confronting an alcoholic, check with the person’s doctor or a specialist in treating alcoholic disorders to determine how to prepare to confront a drinker about whom you are concerned. Below are nine hints that may be helpful in preparing for an intervention.

Instead of formulating a confrontation plan on your own, see what the experts advise by talking to the Al-Anon association in your area. People there can advise you how to plan the intervention, and provide useful resources and information, too. If Al-Anon is unavailable in your area, make an appointment with a licensed therapist, counselor, or psychologist to discuss the nature of the problem and how it might best be approached. Although confronting an alcoholic can be similar in many respects for many families, it is a good idea to clarify unique circumstances or personal characteristics that could make a difference on the outcome.

When someone you care about comes home drunk, it can be tempting to let loose and criticize him roundly for being intoxicated yet again. But that will not serve the purpose, as the drunk will tune out the criticism for the time being, or forget about it the next day, when sober, and thus be unable to do anything about it. It is essential to catch the person when sober, and hopefully when he is in a reasonable frame of mind to hear your concerns. If no spontaneous opportunities occur, you can try to schedule a talk after dinner or at another time when the two of you can be uninterrupted.

Those who help can be other relatives, close friends, or even members of Al-Anon with whom you have become acquainted. It may be helpful to find someone who has been in an intervention as they will know what problems may occur and how to handle them if they arise. However, bringing in a stranger may backfire as the alcoholic may become upset that you have brought in someone they are unfamiliar with. But that will depend on you and the circumstances surrounding the person who drinks too much, as well as professional opinions about the situation.

You cannot be weak or indirect when confronting an alcoholic. You must use a matter-of-fact tone in your voice and simply state the cause and effect of the individual’s drinking. Use examples of the alcoholic’s troubled behaviors and the consequent results. Try to support your statements with dates, amounts of alcohol consumed, occurrences of negative behavior and even the amounts spent on drinking. It requires a lot of backbone to confront an alcoholic, so make sure to stand strong and firm. Stay calm and refer back to the facts should the alcoholic want to argue.

An alcoholic often learns how to sidestep responsibility and manipulate other people to disregard his misdeeds or cover for him at work or in public in order to continue his habits. If you find yourself enabling the drinking, the alcoholic may presume he can have his way again to get out of the intervention without making any changes. Part of an intervention’s impending success lies in the family member who leads it being able to change also. Ending the cycles that support the alcoholic’s drinking is essential in helping them overcome their problem. Never allow the alcoholic to defeat what you are trying to accomplish.

The need for a plan of recovery is coupled with confronting an alcoholic with the consequences of his behavior. Many of the existing support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, can help with making arrangements for a problem drinker to enter a rehabilitation program, either onsite at a facility for this purpose, or as an outpatient in a local clinic or support group. There may be some cases in which a halfway house might be an appropriate alternative. It is important to find out ahead of time if a particular rehabilitation program will accept the person you are working with, and you must make preliminary arrangements for the person to be admitted immediately following the intervention. When talking with the facility make it clear that you cannot guarantee the drinker will enroll, much less stay with the program, unless he accepts the program as part of his new life of abstaining from drink.

If the alcoholic agrees to go into rehab, family members should try to provide support and encouragement during the detoxification phase and rehabilitation program, which involves patient and family education and can last anywhere between several days to several months. Most programs last 28 days or less, given people’s job and family responsibilities, and some of the rehabilitators can continue as a non-resident while resuming career and household duties. However the program plays out, love, acceptance, and willingness to support changes in lifestyle can go a long way toward helping the alcoholic become successful in rehabilitation.

As mentioned briefly above, family members living with an alcoholic must be willing to take responsibility for their behavior and make necessary changes, too. Adjustments might include refusing to cover for an alcoholic’s inability to go to work by reporting him absent, paying bills that the drinker should pay when he has spent his paycheck for alcoholic beverages, and letting the drunkard abuse or terrorize the family by acts of recklessness or violence. Sobriety can actually make life harder for the drinker and his family as everyone adjusts to new rules and learns how to follow through consistently. Some ex-drinkers can be ill- tempered, demanding, and peevish, while others may act guilty, embarrassed, or repentant.

Results may not appear automatically after confronting an alcoholic. The drinker may fluctuate between being in favor to rehab and resisting it, or he may enter rehab but leave early or relapse after finishing the program. Unfortunately, there is no guaranteed. After confronting an alcoholic, all you can do is maintain your points and wait for the drinker’s reaction. That alone will decide the conclusion of your intervention. If the drinker chooses not to pursue treatment or it proves ineffective, the family should continue to receive counseling and support as they make decisions about the future.

Living with an alcoholic is one of the hardest things to do. Their uncontrolled drinking causes problems that can affect family members and other people. It can be difficult for relatives to dissociate themselves from the drinker and establish effective boundaries between his behavior and theirs to avoid unhealthy enmeshment. But with education, professional support, and courageous conviction, family members can learn to practice tough love when confronting an alcoholic to give that person a fair shot at recovery. An intervention may be the first step toward acknowledging a problem and doing something about it that can make a positive difference in the lives of a problem drinker and his loved ones.